“I’m sorry, we are not equipped to take that,” said Maggie Magliato to a disgruntled customer at Force Mountain Sports and Ski Shop on Eastern Durant. She was referring to the newly unveiled cryptocurrency, Aspenium, which is currently trading at $4.2mm a flake. The customer in question was actually disgruntled for not getting a 30% discount on the premium snowboard package for no good reason at all, and couldn’t really care less about being able to use crypto.
Local banker and market analyst Loren Ryerson remarked on the now week-old currency. “We saw what Bittycoin was doing as we came out of the pandemic, and to be honest, it all starts to look a little basic and accessible. That’s not the Aspen way, so we wanted to create a crypto with real power of alienation.”
We won’t “make the same mistake Jackson Hole made,” Ryerson said in reference to Double BLue Square, the failed crypto from the legendary Teton resort that buckled under the strain of the pandemic. “They were giving it as a reward to anyone who could do a double back off Corbet’s” he continued. “Once it got in ski bums’ hands, it had no value.”
Ryerson explained that Aspenium will replace actual money for Aspen Ski Inc. employees, who will each inherit 1/500,000th of a flake instead of a 401k after 12 seasons of service. “This will give the peons the illusion of participating in something truly elite.” Ryerson went on to laugh the exact same laugh as that of Cruella DeVille as she clutched a dalmatian puppy.
To inquire about Aspenium, you can either contact Goldmine Sacks, or just chat up one of their top executives on the Ajax Express chair this week.